So be it

     Well here it goes. Haha. I don't really know how to start, this is just gonna be a pretty big rant from this point. I don't know where to even start. It seems I never do.

     So now, I'll tell you whats happened thus far and where I stand now. I stand with 4 Friends left, and 4 Friends lost.

     Basically the group split, finally, we all saw it about to happen. Nobody said anything though. When the drama happened before, we kinda just buried it. But now, we have all kinda separated, and the bullet came yesterday. Paul called me and basically said, we had been "exiled" from the group. Which baffled me for several reasons.

1) Who decided that they are the group and we aren't?
2) Who's to say they can kick us, how about they left?
3) What group? its gone now

All pretty stupid concerns, I'll be honest. But perhaps it just my anger sinking through. Matt and his girlfriend have done the worst they could, They destroyed the group. Although, in  a way i suppose, I should thank them, those of us on this side of the issue, will become closer than before, and they will become closer with each other I'm sure. However, I know, Matt and his girlfriend will break up and when they do. It will hit them both in the face, and both of them will have nowhere to turn. They will be alone, and wanting to come back to us. Honestly, I do care about them, I'm mad at the them, but I do care about them. I want the best for them. I just want everyone to be happy, and actually, if this is how it has to happen.

So be it.

     Paul still stands with me, and we're become closer than ever, even if he is straight, which more and more, i'm looking at it, and he probably is. But one can still dream. Either way, even if he is straight, I know he'll be with me as a friend at least, forever. During our time in the military we'll bond like never before, He'll be someone i'll never be able to forget. I don't really have much else to say right now. I was thinking about coming out earlier, but these events have really made me glad I didn't because, the people i would have come out to, just turned on me. Ha, interesting how things happen. Either way; i'll keep moving forward, with my chin up, and move on. Eventually I know when the time will be right, and I think when the time is right, I won't be able to avoid coming out. Whether that be just by talking to someone, or my first kiss with Sean, haha. We'll see.

My mind is drunk with love and logic

     So, suddenly, the drama ends. Lately, things have been cool lately. No arguments lately. No conflict. It's been nice, it seems like this is what we were looking for. I can't explain why this happened. The obvious answer probably would  be that the new Girl Alexandra hasn't been seen for about a week now. No contact nothing, in all honesty though. That worries me. You know, like I said, I never had any problems with her. If I had seen her at school; or I knew she was even in existence still; I wouldn't be worried, but I still have her wallet, she left it in my car, she hasn't made any effort to contact me or anyone else this whole time. Her phones been off for a week. I don't know what's going on with her, but I'm worried. I would think that getting your wallet back would be a main priority. I hope she's okay.

     As far as things with Paul lately. Things have looked up. Paul recently opened up a Formspring account. I asked questions anonymously. Since I've been told I have a particular way of writing and explaining things, I decided to try to ask the questions in a different manner than I normally would; just so hopefully, he felt if he was honestly answering anonymously, he would answer more truthfully. He admittedly said it was so. One thing that touched me dearly, was I asked him what had the most impact on his life, and he named me. I felt all giddy and light, I don't know how to explain the feeling. I was touched. Someone else asked him who's hands he would entrust his life to. He also said me again, I got the same feeling, all excited and light, and happy. Do you guys think that's a good sign? I would think so. I don't know though.

     Lately I've been thinking though, that I may just be putting myself under my own illusion about Paul and I; what if things aren't really as I see them? But I force myself to see things the way they I want them to be. How would I know? This is the way I am I think. I convince myself Paul and I will be together for ever and everything great, he's bi or gay, and so am I; and then I move on and think, no there's no way, that's too perfect to actually happen. When I look at it logically, it's probably more logical to think that he's straight and I'm just his best friend, but I shouldn't give up hope should I? that would be a shame if I was wrong and things would've worked out and I did nothing.

My mind is drunk with love and logic

Oh, just a side note, There's this one video I found, and to me, it looks a lot like Paul, but I can't tell because there's no face shot, but I started wondering, what if he's made videos? how hott would that be? and I've seen them? there's no way I would know unless I saw him naked; which again, for some reason didn't happen. 

     What are you opinions on what I should do? I realize that I have this miraculous tool here to actually listen to advice that I wouldn't be able to normally ask a friend in real life. And how knows? Paul may answer one day, and I would never know. ha.

Looks like War is Coming

     Okay, so I've been away for such a long time. I have a lot to write about. So much I don't know where to start. I have Paul to talk about, and major drama. Things have gone so wildly this past weekend that I honestly feel like I'm coming down with something from all the stress. So I just want to vent a little bit. Basically; this is what's going on.

     Our group has always been riddled with drama; if you've read my previous posts, I mentioned a group leader named Andrew, and his secret dating of Alexandra. Well this is what's happened up to now. Andrew did date her, and he started dating her openly. Until she finally saw a part of him she didn't like. He mistreated her and everyone agrees with that. She broke it up with him. Andrew in return said some nasty things to her; and that was all the ammunition the group needed to finally decide to eradicate him from the group. We all for a few days honestly had no drama whatsoever and things were going great. Alexandra joined the group as a seemingly permanent member. Thing were finally looking up.

     Now it's come to this, Alexandra got kicked from her house for one reason or another. And all of us being good friends decided to take her in, each person having there day to take her in at their house. Things were okay for a while again. she had a place to stay and that was great. For some reason, and I don't know why I did this.

     I decided I wanted to see if I could set up Alexandra and Paul together. I have no idea why I did this. At first when I mentioned the idea to Paul; he was hesitant, and I know I should have dropped it. But I couldn't help myself. I don't know what I was thinking. But I pushed the subject until he finally agreed to pursue her. This is where things started to get messy and complicated.

     I think I wanted to see how far I'd have to push things. Or I don't know. I don't know why I did that. I had a constant conflict in my head about what I was doing. I wanted him to be happy. I don't know if he's straight, or bi, or gay. I just want him to be happy. Regardless if he ends up with me or not. But for some reason I pushed him away. I wanted him to go after this girl; even though I know that I want him to be with me.

     I think I wanted him to go for it only so I would know that it wouldn't work out. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I did it. Either way. Paul and her never got together. Paul did invest a lot of time and effort trying to get with her though. Alexandra told me that she wanted to get with Paul; but that time wasn't ripe. Especially after a break up that just shook up the group enough to actually ostracize someone. Which was understandable.



     Anyways. basically what ended up happening is we already had one girl in our group, Matt's girlfriend. She saw herself as the main girl of the group and didn't want to get screwed with. She stood up and defended her position of the Alpha Female. This caused some bad air between the two girls and basically, everyone knowing matt's girlfriend better sided with her, while Paul and I, having spent quite a bit of time with Alexandra, sided with her.

     In my group of friends, it seems we can't really tolerate more than one person in a relationship at a time or something. I don't know why. It always seems like at least one person doesn't like the idea of some sort of relationship between people. Somehow people caught wind of my trying to fix up Paul and Alexandra. By this time I had figured it was done and nothing was going to happen. But when people caught wind, he seemed to suddenly try harder.  But then he stopped and nothing happened. But then little by little, it started becoming loud knowledge who was sided with who and who didn't want Paul dating her and who did etc. It was getting messy. If my group of friends was a prescription bottle, It would say on the side:

Warning: DO NOT MIX FRIENDSHIP WITH LOVE, STOMACH BLEEDING MAY OCCUR
or something ridiculous like that.


     The group decided this drama was unacceptable so we all decided to just meet up at our usual park place, and talk it out and settle all the bad air and just move on. So we all met up; and after an exchange of words, things worked our. Everyone seemed at peace and tensions we're cooling although not eradicated. Well here's where things get weird. Alexandra had been living with friends and apperently on the street for a few days now. We all knew she was out her own house etc.

     So as we were preparing to leave our park; Some cops show up, asking for Alexandra, it turns out, she was a runaway. The cops took her away and left those of us who were left with her, Matt, another friend, and myself, shocked. We had no idea what had just happened. We called everyone up, and told them what happened. Almost immediately, Matt's girlfriend took the opportunity to accuse Alexandra of being a liar and using everyone.


     Still I'm not sure what happened and I'm not sure what I believe. But Paul still wants to at least talk with her, and so do I. Things in the group are going crazy, I don't know what's going on. Paul and I have become close though. But i'm also afraid I pushed him away. I don't know what I've done. If there was any chance of him coming out to me, after I pulled the crap I did, I feel like there's no hope. I don't know. He didn't really go for her. He may have just been going through the motions. Or maybe he really was going for her, and I'm just trying to convince myself that something between him and I may actually be possible. I don't know.

      I think at this point, even if he did come out to me; I'm not sure how our group of friends would react. We have become a monster. I can already see this getting ugly. The group is starting to become like an exclusive club that you can be kicked from for a minor infraction.

Looks like War is Coming. 

      The core of the Group, currently, resides in Matt, his girlfriend, and myself. From talking to everyone, with Andrew gone, somehow I got assigned the opposition to Matt and his girlfriend. I don't know if I want this position, But I won't stand down if they put Paul in the crosshairs. I don't want war, or to divide the group this way, but I will do anything to keep Paul up and going. I'm convinced that I can take anything that gets thrown at me. This can get messy fast if something isn't done. The group isn't visibly divided yet. But I can see it coming. I don't know how this will work out. But i'll have to see.

Oh and some side notes. I might have gotten a shot of Pauls privates this weekend at the pool; i'm not sure if I did, but either way I saw wayyyy up his leg, and I got a hard on. So I stayed in the pool for quite a while till that went away. Oh and also; we played a stripping game, and of course, I had to get naked, while all Paul lost was his shirt; Everyone got completely naked because we all lost, but Paul was the only one. who didn't. Why on earth did that happen? Of all People? Paul is the one who keeps his clothes?

He's seen me naked and I haven't seen him naked. This is definitely not fair :/

Hell of a time

       Okay, so the point of this post is to post about my first gay experience, and one of my only experiences more or less. I have had 2 experiences. This one was my favorite, it being the first one. I copied this straight from an e-mail I sent to someone; so forgive me if some things don't make too much sense. I didn't see it proper to re-write something I had already written.

     I can't stress enough how lucky I am that this happened. I wish it still happened, but unfortunately it doesn't one day I'll have better experiences to tell though.

    It was a hell of a time.

Okay, so my first experience was when I was about 14, so about two years ago.

 I had a friend come over to my house, we'll call him Kyle. So kyle came over to my house, and somehow we got into the discussion about how good it felt to jerk off (he must have started the conversation cause I'm pretty shy and talking about that is unusual for me), i noticed he had a slight hard on under his jeans; so I "accidentally" spilled some paint on his jeans (I paint occasionally, I'm not good at it though). He didn't seem to mind it much, but i told him to take his pants off so i could throw it in the wash.

I took his pants and threw them into the wash, and when i came back, i noticed that bulge in his boxers had grown substantially; he really wasn't hiding it. I looked at him and told him kinda shyly,

 "Geez, you can go ahead and give yourself some relief if you need to."

 He was like

 "oh well i don't want to do it if your not comfortable with it, and it will be awkward if i do it alone."

 I told him it didn't bug me, so he went ahead and undressed himself, and he must have noticed i was staring, cause he motioned for me to go over to him. I did. He started jerking off and stopped, and looked at me agian, and said

"What? am i gonna do this alone with you staring at me? that would be weird, why don't you just jerk off too so i dont feel so awkward?"

So i kinda nervously started taking off my clothes, cause this was my first experience, and i really was turned on, and he didn't know that i was him that turned me on. when i sat down and started jerking off, it felt really really awkward, but i did it anyways. so we just did that for a few minutes, then he stopped again, and looked at me and said

"Hey, i wanna try something, you up for something different?"

at this point i was more comfortable so agreed. He told me to jerk him off, and he'd jerk me off. We did that until we both came.
Later that night, when we decided to go to sleep; he told me he got boners at night, and asked me to do him a favor. He told me if I woke up, to check if he had a boner. If he did have a boner, to jerk him off while he slept, to take off his boxers, (cause that's all he slept it) and jerk him off.

I was really looking forward to this, but i tried not to see excited, and i nervously accepted. So i kinda waited till he was asleep, and i went down to where he was sleeping, and i guess kinda messed with him till he got a boner, then i sucked him for like a minute, but stopped cause i didn't want him to wake up with me sucking him off; I jerked him and me off at the same time, and i was SOOOO turned on, cause as i jerked him off, he like squirmed and moaned while he was sleeping. He came all over my hand, and woke up. He smiled and thanked me, saying he dream t about it and it felt great. then we went to bed.

So that was my first experience, we did that for few time whenever he would come over. But then he didn't come over as often, and now we barely see each other, and when we do, we don't do it anymore, and im too shy to ask him to do it.

  The other experience I will have to write about, just not now, not yet,but I will. 

Slowing down

     I'm kinda slowing down with the posts it seems. It's getting more difficult to keep writing. I want to keep going; the only problem is that there's becoming less and less to write about. There seems to be little I've already said, I will keep on blogging, this isn't a goodbye note, not in the least. But I'm just kinda I'm saying, I"ll be slowing down a bit, unless any significant change occurs or unless I just feel like writing.

     I do enjoy it; a lot. However to me, it feels like I've been overly redundant in the last few posts and that it will continue if I try and force myself to write; and I don't like redundancy and it bothers me, the idea of having to force myself to write is irritating. I'd rather not; so I won't.

     However, the point of this post is about my future, which I've mulling over recently. The idea of my future career, after the military; I was really looking into Medical school or law school. But lately, I've been getting more and more interested in politics. My thoughts are, if I can do good in public office, I'd love to try. I have progressive views; leaning left. Now for now, it's just a thought. Politics is a tough field of work, but perhaps after being a doctor or a lawyer for a few years, who knows, Bi congressman? sounds alright.

     Anyways that's all for now.

Subconscious Fool

     Last night was fun. Went to a small gathering with a group of friends, nothing big, just some drinking and stuff. It was fun; I was with Paul but nothing too significant happened still. We hugged lots of times, but he always hugs people when he's drunk. What I liked most was when everyone decided to go to bed. Because we weren't like completely smashed, we were drunk, but i still remember most of the night, and nobody threw up; so it wasn't too bad.

     Anyways, when we decided to go to bed. I was already laying down, cause I was really tired. When Paul decided to go to bed; there wasn't much room anywhere, but he decided to lay down next to me on the couch, he said he was cold, which is very possible, because it really was cold out. But either way; he lay down, we went to bed. When I woke up, we we're like huddled up together and stuff, it was so awesome; it made me imagine possibly one day waking up next to him like all the time.

     It could be just me, and my own desire for him to be gay; but it seems like signs are pointing that way. Although I'm really very biased in this situation. I know I'm biased too, there's no way I would be able to look at this thing without putting my own spin on it. Which could explain why he's starting to seem gayer and gayer. It concerns me though.

     Where do I know where my own subconscious desires and fact ends?

Regardless for now, I enjoyed huddling with him, I lay down like that for a while next to him, until other people started getting up. It was fun; I'm glad it happened. Still this keeps bugging me, there is the possibility that he's gay, and then there's the possibility that he's not. I want him to be gay, as selfish as that sounds. But how would I know? There are so many different factors that would need to be taken into account, and I don't wanna just like ask you know? I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait?

What do you guys think I should do?

The Future is Untold

     So today was pretty fun. I got to kiss Paul, of course it wasn't as simple as that. And it's not really a kiss. It was a dare, to kiss him through glass. Which was still enormously fun, and I am glad that my friend dared us; It made me wish I could kiss him even more. I had never been so turned on, haha. It was amazing, even though it was cold and kinda odd; but still.

     I wonder if my current lust for him will ever die. It would only make sense if it did, but I don't want it to. But that would be kinda sad too if it didn't and nothing ever happened between us.

Just a side note, I'm talking to TylerTGBH over twitter, and the thought of a threesome between him, Paul and I would be marvelously wonderful.

     I was just thinking, I really wanna go paint balling and stuff; maybe airsofting; I think i'm gonna go this week. I also wanna box again soon. It hurts and I ache afterwards, but i love it, I love how your muscles ache after you work out and stuff. Not the actual working out, but the sore limbs. That was completely off topic. I don't really have any topics.

     I was just thinking about stuff, and I wonder how things will be when I'm older, like when I'm like 30 or 40, if I'll have kids or if I'll be married, or have a partner or if I'll just be a single entrepreneur. Dunno.

The Future is untold

     The future holds so many secrets, I wonder if I'd like what I'd see if I could look ahead. There are so many things that would happen. I wonder how long I'll live. I don't really want to be old. Like where I depend on people and stuff. If I have kids, will they be mine? or will I adopt because I choose to live with a guy. Will I have kids at all? What would they be like? Will I marry a Man or a Woman? So many questions, only time will tell I guess. I wonder I wonder.

Too bad for Neverland

     I find people wonderfully interesting. Everyone has their own unique thoughts, opinions, and judgments. People are either all unique, or all the same. Maybe both; probably both. everyone is unique and similar at the same time. It only makes sense. We all look different, sound different; not a single one of us, has ever been exactly the same as someone else. At least not to my knowledge.

     So my face really hurts right now, haha, I box, not like professionally, or as like a sport; but at least once a week usually, I go to the gym and box, haha. I think it's fun; it gets the adrenaline pumping and blood flowing. I never really took any lessons or anything, I just kinda go at it, haha, but it's worth it, keeps me in shape I guess, and it keeps me occupied for a while.

     I have realized now, in talking to Tyler, how close I am to ending my youth, I have like a year to a year and a half before I go out and get a real, full time job, and join the military. I'll be on my own then; I'll live on my own, and I'll be fully accountable for my actions. I'll still be young and all; but to me, sixteen seems like the ripe teenage year. I love being 16, I hate the fact I'm gonna be like 30 one day. Nothings wrong with being 30, but it's like i won't be youthful, you know? I'll have so much more responsibility and stuff. Growing up can be pleasurable though too.

Too bad for Neverland

     I don't have the ideal teenage life, haha, like drive a nice car and have a wonderful relationship; stuff like that, but I think growing up; I'll have my wonderful BMW or Mercedes Benz, and then have like a mansion, and have a wonderful man or woman as my partner, with an awesome cat and a dog. Cause I love both. A cat to sleep on my bed, and a dog to play with, haha. I love pups and kittens, haha so cute, as gay as that is, haha, they are both so playful, haha.

     This post has been a jumble of thoughts and nonsense of mine, haha, but I guess that's how I write, haha, I don't know. Forgive me you guys, if sometimes I seem like I get too philosophical and stuff, haha. Sometimes I just do that, haha. Anyways, I'll finish up here for now. I kinda didn't have much to talk about Paul this post, so if you guys were looking for an update with him, things are still going great and stuff; no worries, haha. No significant new developments, haha

Life isn't a story book

     I feel like I talk about Paul to much. It's amazing to think that I've known this kid for years now, and I still don't have the courage to tell him how I really feel. But then again, it makes sense, doesn't it? Like aren't people supposed to be nervous around their crush?

     But then again, when it's something like a bi boy, who has a crush on another boy, and you don't know what his orientation is, what do you do?

     By the way, off topic completely. I've been looking for a good book to read lately, anyone have any ideas?

     Now back to a different topic. Yesterday I posted a song, it's a remix of the song Secret Smile by Semisonic, the song reminds me of my situation with Paul, I feel like him and I have a special connection that he doesn't show anyone else. The same with me to him. But when do I decide it's time to tell him about my situation and my feelings. and what if he doesn't feel the same way, will it ruin our friendship? I know if I just were to say I'm bi, he probably wouldn't mind, but the part about me liking him; I can understand if someone might react a bit less that pleased if they were straight and had their best friend suddenly admit to have a crush on them.

     Just because I feel like I could have this story book relationship with him, where we're all happy and everything's great, with happy days and sex several times a day; things don't always work out the way they should.

     Life isn't a story book

     Sacrificing myself, and a relationship, is a risky maneuver, I keep on seeing myself with him; but I'm waiting. What if things don't work out? what if they do? Will it be love forever? would it be love at all? Or just a fling, until we separate and go find someone else? What if he's the one? Is there a one? So many thoughts, agh. I definitely love him as a friend. But what if I realize I were to love him more than that? What if he ends up loving me?

I should take a chance, at some point, because if I don't, I'll always be wondering, what if? I'll never know. I'm gonna have to tell him and risk it eventually, When do I do it though?

You've got a secret smile

This is going to be a really relaxed post tonight, just a few videos, I like or find interesting. The first video is just a joke, but I love these commercials and honestly, this guy is bad ass. The second is a song, that kinda reminds me of Paul. I know it makes no sense, but whatever, haha. The third video is a little closer to everyone here, I think. Watch and answer I guess. I think it's important to wonder, and try to fix.

This is my role model. I will be like him one day. haha.


This song kinda reminds me of Paul, for some reason, haha.


Lesbian Love, but Fag Fear?


I don't really have much to say tonight. I'm really tired. So I'll be headed to bed. BTW, I'm looking for topics to blog about, so if anyone has any ideas, it would be helpful. I would just write some of my thoughts, but they would make no sense without a really long back story, so I'll wait till my thoughts recycle or something, if that makes any sense. I'll talk more about  why  I feel that song reminds me of Paul in my next post if I remember.

My Merman

     So I've only been gone from writing for like 3 days and I already feel parched. I really do enjoy writing this blog now. Even though only like 10 people read it, I still honestly enjoy this. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but this is like an open venue for me to actually speak my mind and not care, nor worry about what other people think. I can yell my emotions and thoughts without it being heard by the people I'd rather not hear it. I can talk about whatever I want, and it doesn't truly matter at all. I can talk about how I love boys and girls, or how I do this or how I do that.

     I love that about this place, it's an open venue to be honest. To share secrets that I can't normally share. I can't stress enough how much this place has in a sense, opened up the air to me. Given me the opportunity to take a full breath of my freedom to speak as I please. Although not yet in real life, eventually I'll get there, and I can't help but thank everyone that's been here and is, and I'm sure will continue to be with me as I move forward to eventually come out of the closet and move progressively towards a more free and open society. Where hopefully I can help the next teen whom comes along looking for help. So basically I just wanted to say thanks out there to all of you.

     Enough of that though; I'll try to get back onto a regular schedule of posting again, although I'm not yet sure about what, but i never am. These posts of mine tend to be spontaneous and eventually fill up on their own. Recently, not much has gone on with me; not even this weekend, it was a more relaxing type weekend. Went to the pool with Paul again. That was fun.

     I know that a lot of gay guys, again, find the big hunky guys cute and hott, but I can't stress enough how adorable Paul is to me, despite his lack of completely toned muscle, etc. He's adorable. I can't think of the words to describe him. He's hot to me. haha. Especially when he's glistening with all those water droplets, I just about drooled all over the place when he took off his shirt. I was soo lucky though, I got peek up his leg, unfortunately, I didn't see much, but I did see much of his thigh, which left much imagination to me about what lay beyond. He was sitting perfectly so that when I angled just right, I probably would have been able to get a peek at the goods, but he moved before i could strategically place myself. Still though, his thigh, is extremely sexy just like everything else about him, haha.

     This whole infatuation I have with him though, is honestly starting to irritate me though, maybe irritate isn't the right word, but I'm not sure how to explain it. Like I love being with him and stuff, but it's so irritating to see something you want so desperately, but I know that it's also hugely possible I may never have it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't fallen so hard for him, I mean everything he does is so attractive to me, and so gorgeous, and funny. It's honestly the worst crush I've ever had.

     You guys are probably tired of me writing about this kid so much, but I don't know how to stop, how would I stop? One of the most interesting things I think, is that i honestly don't have a single picture of him, if you don't count the picture in the year book. I tried to get one once discreetly, while we were at the  beach, i snapped a photo with my cell phone, and lone and behold, that one photo of his perfect, shirtless, wet hair, and his golden skin glistening in the sun, that one very picture gets corrupted somehow. It's almost as if it were a curse, haha, a curse I'd never want to get rid of.

     They say that sailors of old would be distracted by mermaids they saw off the bows of their ships, and that these sailors would jump into the waters following the mermaids into their kingdoms, leaving their ships to doom in the storms above;

Paul is my merman,

I will follow him into the darkness of the sea, only for a glimpse into the kingdom of what could be. I hope the kingdom exists, because if it doesn't, my ship could very well be gone and left without me, or crashed on rocks. It's a risky thing falling for someone whom might be closeted, but might not be. I'm not alone though, whatever happens, he's following me into wherever I decide to go, that counts for something doesn't it? We'll see.

Questions about me.

Okay, so I've been looking at other blogs, and I found these questioneer things on a ton of them; so I decided I'd do one and post it too, since i can.  I found this one on mirror boys blog, So I just tweaked it a little bit so the questions fit me, and  so my answers would make more sense

Height -  5'11"Weight - Honestly, I have no idea, haha, I think I'm between 140lbs and 160lbs I don't have a scale in my home.

2 qualities I like most in others -  I really love it when people are honest, I think honesty is important. And the second thing, I'd have to say is when people are funny that's also important, to have a good sense of humor.
Who/Whom do you have a crush on currently?
Paul, and I actually have a cyber crush on Ty :p

What job do you want?
I don't know; I'm going into the military, but I don't think I want htat as a career, I think I want to go into the medical field or something, or even journalism I've considered. .
Are you considering going to college/university after high school or the military?
Yes, I am, the military is really why I will be able to go to college. Hopefully by then I know what i want to study,

Favourite school class?
History

Least favourite?
English

Why don't you post pics of yourself?
Because, like many; I want to keep my self anonymous, and i'd like to out myself, not be outed by someone else.

When you connect with people on a personal level (either online or in real life) what is the most important thing you want in that relationship and why?
If I were to get into a serious relationship right now, I think the most important thing would be honesty and common sense, it seems these two things are what lack most in society today.

The most important person in your life?
Right now, I would say my friend Paul, he has helped me through a ton in the past, and I'm sure he will in the future when I come out, whether or not he is gay .
What do you Enjoy doing?
I love hanging out with my friends, we always have fun, and it's a good time

Favourite home cooked meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Breakfast- Pancakes
Lunch- Hamburger, yumm
Dinner- Spaghetti
Favorite ice-cream.
Rocky Road.
Your favorite type of clothing to wear is?
I love shirts.

What clothing do you sleep in?
Boxers usually, and a t-shirt if it's cold

Favorite video game you have played?
Battlefield: Bad Company 2
Video game you want to play that you haven’t yet?
Operation Flash point.
Explain to me what is it about these video games that makes you want to play them.
They're entertaining and fun.

What's your favourite childhood book?
Where the Wild things are..

If your house was on fire what five possessions of yours would you grab before running out?
I have no idea, really I don't own anything of that major importance or like sentimental value to be honest.

The first blogger you emailed?
TylerTGBH I have to thank him for introducing me to the blogging and twitter world
What has been the best thing about blogging for you?
Being able to express myself without worrying about it impacting me directly. Speaking my mind, and not worrying about this person of that person. The internet is liberating.

Do you like sunsets or sunrises better and why?
I've only seen the sunrise once, since I live on the west coast, I see the sun set into the ocean which always looks awesome, so I like that. .

What do you like about cats?
I love cats, their so cute and they purr and stuff,

What clothes do you wear for school?
I wear Jeans, a t-shirt and usually a coat

First crush?
My first boy crush was on a boy named Nathan middle school; first girl crush, was a friend named Summer

When you are looking at a guy what do you check out first?
Kinda odd, but I love calves and thighs

What turns you off?
Ugliness

What is an immediate visual turn-on to you in someone?
I don't really know, haha, hearing a hott boy describe a sexual experience

Top or bottom.
Versatile

Do you have a fetish?
Not that i'm currently aware of

Do you squirt or shoot? Your shots thick, ropey, watery?
I shoot, i'm not really sure about the second question though.

Are you trimmed, shaved or au naturale? Cut or u/c? 
Depends, sometimes it's trimmed, other times it's natural; I'm Cut


If anyone wants to ask me any other questions, comment this blog, or formspring.com/gaykiddd


I hope to post again today, since i have time. Thanks guys

We Are Human

Okay, so today, I was getting that strong feeling for Paul again; where I just wanted him so badly. My feelings for him definitely seem to be getting stronger. Today, I had it set, I was gonna take a gamble, I thought I was gonna kiss him. Normally what happens is when we hang out we have a great time, etc. Which was the case tonight, we we're having loads of fun and stuff, and we had those little moments where we'd kinda glance at each other and then I'd get that feeling, but I was planning on kissing him when I dropped him off. So it got to that point we were all headed home and I was in front of his house. We looked at each other and we gazed into each others eyes. I wanted to do it so bad. But I couldn't i was too nervous; we said our good bye's and he started getting out. He was almost out, when I called his name, he turned and looked at me, and I wanted to say something so bad, or do something, but I just said never mind and said bye.

     I don't know why I didn't do anything. I wanted to so bad. Ahh, i wish I could just know if anything would have happened. It's killing me that something could have happened. I don't know; I hate "what if?" situations. What if we would kissed? things would be so awesome; who knows what could have happened. I shouldn't stress over it. I don't know. I probably will though, haha.

     Anyways, that conflict in my group is escalating, quietly though; which is unusual. Normally people are yelling and arguing and it's apparent to everyone. But right now; people are quietly arguing and the group is starting to slowly break apart. This time though, things are happening differently. Like i said earlier, there are two leaders, we'll call one Andrew and the other one Matt. Andrew and Matt right now are actually on okay terms, more or less, at least they are loudly vocalizing their anger with each other, but they murmur it here and there. Andrew is starting to loose respect with a lot of people in the group. The cause of this problem, is a new girl, who everyone loves. So the story is, this girl; whom we'll call Alexa, recently moved into town and got into our group of friends, Now the thing is that a friend of Andrew's wanted to date her; but she said no.
Andrew and her started getting friendly and are now "secretly" dating, but everyone knows.

So this other friend is angry with Andrew for getting with her; and he's causing a bit of turmoil there, and then now, Matt is dating Andrew's ex girl friend and then everything starts getting messy from there on. It's a really complicated situation, it's like multiple love triangles that overlap and intersect and just isn't doing any good for the group. I don't know whats' gonna happen here, but we'll see. I don't know why i'm explaining this; it makes no sense. haha

    Anyways, I was just thinking about my future in the military. How risky it's gonna be. I'm nervous. boot camp is gonna be the worst. And now I'm thinking about how my youth is coming to an end. I mean; I have one more year left of school; and then I'm gonna be headed towards a career. and I'll have to be on my own without parents and stuff. I mean, i really should make the most of my youth while I can. My life could end at any moment, I know i really should live life to the fullest.

Sometimes I get all those odd thoughts about reality and fiction, and the very fact of our existence. Living breathing creatures.

We Are Human

.How odd is that? what are the chances? I could have been born in some random nation in the middle of South America, or Eastern Europe, or Africa. Things could be so much different. It's all chance. How random. We're so insignificant but so important. a sneeze could change the course of history. We are infinitely smaller than the universe, and then there are the little germs and bacteria which are living cities within themselves.

Clearly I'm going off the deep end. So I'll end it here. Hope to blog again tomorrow.

Am I free? "Nope, nope, your mine"

     Okay, so despite the phone calls last night, and my preparations of the social D-Day I expected to hit this morning after what seemed like emotions ready to boil over the edge; I was pleasantly surprised that emotions were more or less peaceful today, and my group didn't explode into civil war like it normally does, so that's always good.

     Anyways, I just wanna talk a bit about this Health Care bill that was just passed in the House of Representatives this weekend; I am thrilled that we are moving towards progress finally. This administrations truly has inspired me to Hope; that this nation actually can be compared to the other industrialized nations of this world. This is a good step forward for progressives to make both social and economic reforms in this country to turn away from the conservative shroud that has covered this country over the last 50 years.

     There are enough political blogs on the net these days; and I'm sure that you guys don't really care too much about American politics, especially since we're ages behind many of your whom aren't Americans. Either way, every once and a while. I may just quip here or there about what I think about something substantial. I don't know; we'll see.

     So today while driving home, I was thinking about the subject of love; more or less, and what it is, and whether or not I feel I could potentially actually love someone. On my way home, I saw this elderly couple sitting down on a bench, while I was at a stop light, but anyways, the elderly woman was fixing her husbands collar and his hair and the proceeded to hold his hand and sit back down. I was just wondering, if when I get older and am ready to hit my death bed whenever that may be; if I will have that person sitting next to me, sticking around despite my being too old to help myself at times.

     Will that person be there? will it be a woman or a man? Who? Do I know them? if not, when will I?
   

I'm filled with questions about such a thing, and I know I'm supposed to know when love hits, but really will I? Because of my crush on Paul, my mind drifted towards him, he was in the car in the passenger seat, I just took one look at him, and I wondered, is it possible? I hope so.

Bear with me, this may seem all a bit melo-dramatic, but my teenage insecurities and tendencies to worry force me into this type of behavior and thinking patterns.

I thought back to times when he would get a cut here or there, and I needed to disinfect it and clean up the blood or whatever and then put a band aid on or whatever; I usually would do this for him, because if it were up to him, he would just let it bleed and and say, "oh no it's fine, I'll clean it up later."

I don't know where I'm going with this, the idea seems ridiculous to even consider, and it's probably just my hormones going wild; but when I see Paul, I get this feeling right in my chest, and my knees get all weak, and then his smile, oh my god, it's gorgeous. I just get the biggest feeling, like I just want to hug him and hold him tight. I don't know. It's not even something sexual; it's just, I just want to hold him, and kiss him, feel his warmth.

     This kid has a firm hold on me and i can't get free.

Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it will lead to something I don't know. But in a way I'm kinda worried, i feel so attracted to him, that I'm honestly afraid that one day I'm just gonna grab him and kiss him, I've thought in my head of like doing it right there in the middle of the group, in the middle of school, or wherever, Just because it feels so right, but I know i can't. Not yet, maybe never, but i always see the scene playing over and over in my head, and it's such a beautiful scene.

*Ring RIng* Meh, hello?

     The way my group of friends work, is seriously, like our own little community. We have 2 people who pretty much lead the group, make decisions, organize, etc. We have the person to come to for advice, whom usually is me, which also kinda keeps me in the loop of all the gossip and secrets, which is kinda nice; but kinda irritating at the same time when someone calls at midnight because they need someone to talk to. But someones gotta do it, and I actually usually enjoy it, so whatever. Then we have the friends that completely follows one of the leaders and does whatever they say, has the same opinions, etc. and then finally we have the people who kinda sit back and watch and who know enough to do their own thing instead of just follow one of the leaders.

This model of my group of friends maybe a bit confusing, but it makes sense to me. I would make a graph, but I'm too lazy and I don't know how. My group of friends is actually quite large; which makes drama inescapable.

    Basically, why this is important is because every once in a great while the group completely divides over something and all hell breaks loose everywhere, and me, usually trying to be neutral between the two leaders is usually appointed the referee. Unfortunately for me; this seems to be happening again.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, like at all. But I guess i may just be venting or something. Most of this probably won't even make sense. But I really just hate the drama that goes on around here, just one thing after the next, usually small things and I can deal with small things, small problems etc. But when something of this magnitude comes along, and people from both sides of the aisle are asking me to talk the other person into submission, I don't know what to do. It overwhelms me. I guess it's my role or something, I don't know.

It's the price of being the keeper of secrets

I really didn't have any direction with blog post at all. I don't know. Some of my posts may be completely random nonsense and make no sense whatsoever to most people, but that's okay I suppose.

But on a lighter note, Paul mentioned something to me yesterday which gave me yet another beacon of hope (although if this beacon were materialized it would be quite dull.) Clearly, i'm desperate, otherwise I wouldn't even consider this a sign, but he told me one of his favorite songs is I'm Coming Out, by Dianna Ross.

Now I know it's not a big thing at all, by any means, but still. Is it so wrong to hope?

Lethal Poison through our systems

Okay, I promised I'd continue on; so I was about to start on my past with Alcohol; I started drinking alcohol which to me to this day; still isn't too big a deal. I mean sure it's not good for me; but I drink in moderation; in fact a lot of my friends are always telling me I need to drink more, because I never get hammered enough, haha. Which probably is true, I make sure I can still function basically. haha. When I drink, I want it to be enjoyable, but not I can't stand up and i'm gonna wake up with a raging headache enjoyable. I'm sure some of you understand.

     I just want to clear one thing up though, I am not like the drugged up kid at school or the kid who's always smoking or the "bad" kid. You guys know whom i'm talking about. Most people when they find out I do any of this stuff, they are shocked. If anyone saw me they would have no idea i did any of the things I do.

     Of all the things I've started and done though, the one I do regret most is starting to smoke cigarettes, ha, this started when I started drinking, I got really hammered one day and decided to try one, then two, then three and so on. Eventually I  became addicted to the nicotine. I've learned that for the most part I'm a social smoker, however I'm out almost everyday, so when I'm with my friends, I smoke, which is like every day. A huge part of why I smoke too, is because Paul smokes, he doesn't mind it as much as I do though; but then again, he's started more recently than I have, so he may not regret it just yet, I didn't when I first started smoking.

     Paul also, is not one of those kids I talked about above, haha, in fact he actually got hammered for the first time over last weekend. Which I should talk about. Because it was awesome.

     Okay, so this last weekend, all my friends and I, a total of 10 of us I think; decided to take a road trip, just to get away from home for a bit and get some R&R. So we ended up deciding we would go up to the desert; Here in California, the desert to go to for rest and relaxation is Palm Springs. So we went there, and one of the people going, we'll call him Robert, has a sister who lived out there, so we stayed with her. Anyways, we went up there friday night and got hammered right when we got there, it was a long drive btw, like 3-4 hours.
I was excited to go because Paul was going to be drinking and I had never seen him drunk and I wanted for something to happen between us so badly. I would tell what happened while we were getting hammered, but the truth is I don't remember, but I've seen some good pictures, haha.

     I do remember however, that eventually people eventually started just passing out one at a time; then I passed out eventually; and I remember waking up early in the morning, with Paul lying right next to me; we slept like basically in the same sleeping bag, because I had one big one and he like got in it, but nothing sexual happened. At least not to my knowledge, although some of my other friends told me afterwords, they thought his hands were in his pants, which I sincerely hope. because I've used that mental image several times recently in my wanking habits. That is something that made me hope more and more the just maybe he's not straight, and if that's the case that he's into me. Though I do think I shouldn't get too attached to the idea so I don't get crushed emotionally.

     Basically the second night, was more or less the same thing, and again he slept like with me, but this time when I woke up, I just gave him like a peck on the cheek, I made sure he was asleep though. I don't know why I did that, somebody could have been watching or he could have like been awake, but now I'm really glad I did it. Because there's always the chance that if I hadn't done it; I might have never been able to do anything like that. Just so you know when I say we slept together, I mean we like slept next to each other, haha, although I have to say I was getting irritating when I tried to roll over and there was the hottest piece of ass I've ever seen but I couldn't do anything to it. ;)

Overall the road trip was fun and we all enjoyed it, when we all got home hugs went all around then we all split and went home, (Paul gives really good hugs). I think this is good for now. I might end up writing some more later today depending on how late it is. 

Hallucinagenics

Okay, so I guess since I've posted everyday, why stop here?

     My past is something I am not quite proud of; I've done a lot of things I'm ashamed, of, but then again, I've done a lot of things I am proud of. Something I've done, but I still have mixed feelings about now, is my use with drugs and alcohol; I've done some drugs, not too many, nor really crazy either. I've smoked marijuana before, and I'd be lying if I said every once a great while I didn't take a few drags from a spliff; I've smoked Salvia, which has to be one of the most amazing, but curious things I've ever done. For those of you that may not know what Salvia is, it's like a hallucinogenic plan that is actually legal here in California, although you need to be 18; which I am not.

     While on Salvia, I did hallucinate, and for a hallucinogen, it's supposed to be really violent compare to others; for me it was actually pretty relaxed, i was in a house and I just saw like a gorgeous valley and meadow, it was awesome; I don't however advise getting involved in any drugs or anything of that nature; I regret that i did, even though it was amazing and gorgeous at times. It takes up a lot of your time and you always have second thoughts, at least I do. Marijuana, for me, was an escape, to kinda forget about problems and worries etc. While that can be helpful sometimes, it also can take over your life; It did for me last year, I was not buying lunch and skipping meals to save a few bucks just so I could get high over the weekend, and I've smoked some pot that I'm sure was laced with something.

     I just remember spending hours on end doing nothing and being completely out of mind, for a while it was alright, but it started getting irritating, and while on these things I picked up other habits I regret, like smoking; smoking is habit I've constantly been trying to kick. I'm lucky enough that I can go a few days without a cigarette to get my nicotine buzz, but it's irritating. It's like a want you really need. I don't even enjoy smoking all that much, but it's hard to control, then before smoking and weed came drinking.


I'll finish up tomorrow, it's 2:45 here, I expected to be finished already but I got sidetracked,

Political Hash

I think I might just kinda start doing like random posts about my days; or this or that. I don't really know too much about what to write about. But to answer a few questions first from comments on the last post; I love Dubstep techno, haha. I really love politics, I have for the most part stayed leftist, but for a while I was kinda sticking to the Ron Paul movement, back when I smoked weed; only cause I wanted it legalized, bad idea on my part. I regret that part of my life substantially. But now I mostly stay to the left, i'm a Democrat, and I know how to debate my way around politics; I actually have considered maybe one day running for public office.

And yes, I do hope he's gay, haha. but I don't really want say anything to him about it; cause if he's not, I don't want him to feel under pressure or anything odd; you know? But we both listen to gay music, haha. Like we both love to listen to Britney Spears or Lady Gaga or just odd music for the stereotypical straight guy, haha, but I guess we're not stereotypical. oh and if he was gay and was into me; we'd have sex all the time. Unfortunately though, I am not capable of birthing a child; i'm afraid my hips aren't wide enough, and neither are his; But no harm in trying if I ever get the chance, haha.

But anyways, about today, I woke up this morning at 5am, had to get ready to go to school; I woke up to study for a chemistry test, which I'm sure I bombed and did horrible on. haha. Usually I'm good with classes, but chemistry just didn't click like my other subjects do. I loved physics, but this science just isn't really working out too well. Anyways, about school i guess. I'm a Junior in high school; or in my 11th year of schooling, and I have one left before I join the military. My current favorite class is photo. I'm an okay photography I guess, but I probably wouldn't be able to make a living doing it.

I appreciate the comments by the way; thanks all of you.

I'm really tired, I think this is it for now. If anyone has anymore ideas for blog subjects; please post it, I'd love to know; keep me writing. I actually enjoy this, haha. Thanks guys; once again <3

About Him, About Me;

This day was horrible, haha. Just completely unplanned and chaotic; I forgot my homework, i was just barely on time; it was horribly chaotic. But whatever; So I guess I'll keep on going with info on my crush. haha. First; I'm gonna steal an idea from Tyler TGBH in giving friends alternative names to protect my and their identities, haha. So we'll call my Crush, let's see; Paul. We'll call him Paul, I like that name.

So I met Paul a few years back all the way in 6th grade in middle school. Back then I didn't really think much of him; I barely knew him, but he really started catching my eye Freshman year of high school; I noticed he was amazingly adorable; he's always been in my group of friends, but since then I've maneuvered myself to get closer to him; and now we're best friends.

Unfortunately; the way we both are kinda keeps our inner thoughts and desires secrets, even to each other. He's extremely shy, I'm extremely shy; and we don't really poke each other too much for information; but we're good friends. It's kinda odd the way our relationship works. He never talks about girls and neither do I; of course occasionally if a third person is like, "hey isn't she hot?" or something like that, I'll kinda mutter "sure" or something along those lines, but he won't say anything, he'll just kinda give a slight smile and look away or redirect the conversation, this happens whenever the subject of him and girls are brought up.

This gives me hope that he may not be straight, which, if he was would be fine, because it's what I expect, but there's not harm in hoping right? He never talks to girls, and really does prefer to hang around us guys. haha. He's an odd kid, but I love him; he's so cute and he's so playful and fun. Plus I know if I ever really needed him; he'd be there.

Together we honestly are honestly such nerds, haha. We are entertained by the stupidest stuff when we're together, I don't even know. haha. We both LOVE certain types of techno, even though it may be weird. I don't really know what I'm interested to be honest; I can really follow anything, except for sports, I don't like sports all too much, haha. As for him, Paul used to play basketball and actually used to be a gymnast when he was younger, both of which might explain why he isn't like 700lbs since he eats so much crap. haha. He's thin and cute, but he eats a ton. Plus his being a gymnast, I hope would make him great in bed if I ever got the opportunity ;) Other than that, I don't really know that he has any real interest; he kinda just goes with the flow.

As far as our futures, I wanted to go to Med School; but because of the recession, we don't have much money at this point; so the United States Military started looking a lot more appealing. I need to make a living somehow, the military will pay for my schooling and that's why I'm joining up. I'm not sure what branch yet, but I've been looking at the US Air Force, the US Coast Guard and the United States Marine Corps. Whichever I choose to join, Paul decided he'd join with me, he says he wants to protect me, haha. It's adorable; he wants to be with me I guess; I think it's cute, and I'm thankful that he's doing it.

I'm not sure that this will be my last post for the day, I kinda feel suddenly like there's a ton to write about, but again; I'm not sure where to start, but I'll stop here for now.

So my crush....

Okay, so this is my second post. I don't really know what to post here I guess. But someone suggested that I talk about my crush; so let's see. He's really cute, haha; uhh. He's blond, blue eyed; he's about 6'0" ft (1.82 Meters) and probably between 140 to 150 lbs; He's thin, but he's really cute. He's not some buff kid and toned and stuff, he's just lean, and really cute in my eyes.

I have such a thing for him; I don't know; like yeah, I'd love to bang him, which is completely normal for a 16 year old ;) , but I also just like wish I could just hold him and tell him how I feel and kiss him. It's not even about sex. I honestly have such a big thing for him. I love his personality, he's funny, and fun. At times he's even shy which I find adorable.

He may not be attractive to everyone, or all the "hot stuff" girls at the school; but he's attractive to me; and I just want to hold him. He's really handsome and cute, even though he's no hunk, haha. But he is hott, I saw him today glistening at the beach, trying to get a tan, cause he thinks he's pale, haha. but he's perfect to me. I can't say I love him, because I would say I hardly know the meaning of that word, but I love him as a friend for sure; and how knows, maybe something will come of my crush on him. You never know. oh he says he's straight btw, but myself and some of my other friends have had our suspicions.

The First Step

So this if my first post. I really don't know what to write about. I guess I'll start with some basic info about myself. Forgive me if my post seem a bit jumbled. These post will probably just follow my thoughts at the moment I'm typing and may not even quite make sense to some.

But anyways, about myself; some background info. huh; let's see. I am a16 year old teenager living somewhere in Southern California, I am bisexual despite the title and user name. My name is Sean; and I am a closet bisexual. I am a junior in high school; and probably will join a branch of the military.

I don't really know how to start, I don't even know what to talk about. This blog is more experimental than anything else I guess. It may be temporary depending on the response and what I am able to write about.

I guess for myself. I am actually pretty unsure of myself most of the time. I am really pretty shy and reserved in real life, and i guess this is a place for me to open up. I do have a crush currently on a boy. I love him as a friend and would do nearly anything for him. He doesn't know I have a crush on him and he doesn't even know I'm bi. ha ha. But we're really close and who knows maybe some day something will happen. I don't know. We'll see.

I'm really tired so I'll end it here. I'll try to post as often as possible but it's really a time issue.
I don't really know how I should end this either. so bye?