My Merman

     So I've only been gone from writing for like 3 days and I already feel parched. I really do enjoy writing this blog now. Even though only like 10 people read it, I still honestly enjoy this. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but this is like an open venue for me to actually speak my mind and not care, nor worry about what other people think. I can yell my emotions and thoughts without it being heard by the people I'd rather not hear it. I can talk about whatever I want, and it doesn't truly matter at all. I can talk about how I love boys and girls, or how I do this or how I do that.

     I love that about this place, it's an open venue to be honest. To share secrets that I can't normally share. I can't stress enough how much this place has in a sense, opened up the air to me. Given me the opportunity to take a full breath of my freedom to speak as I please. Although not yet in real life, eventually I'll get there, and I can't help but thank everyone that's been here and is, and I'm sure will continue to be with me as I move forward to eventually come out of the closet and move progressively towards a more free and open society. Where hopefully I can help the next teen whom comes along looking for help. So basically I just wanted to say thanks out there to all of you.

     Enough of that though; I'll try to get back onto a regular schedule of posting again, although I'm not yet sure about what, but i never am. These posts of mine tend to be spontaneous and eventually fill up on their own. Recently, not much has gone on with me; not even this weekend, it was a more relaxing type weekend. Went to the pool with Paul again. That was fun.

     I know that a lot of gay guys, again, find the big hunky guys cute and hott, but I can't stress enough how adorable Paul is to me, despite his lack of completely toned muscle, etc. He's adorable. I can't think of the words to describe him. He's hot to me. haha. Especially when he's glistening with all those water droplets, I just about drooled all over the place when he took off his shirt. I was soo lucky though, I got peek up his leg, unfortunately, I didn't see much, but I did see much of his thigh, which left much imagination to me about what lay beyond. He was sitting perfectly so that when I angled just right, I probably would have been able to get a peek at the goods, but he moved before i could strategically place myself. Still though, his thigh, is extremely sexy just like everything else about him, haha.

     This whole infatuation I have with him though, is honestly starting to irritate me though, maybe irritate isn't the right word, but I'm not sure how to explain it. Like I love being with him and stuff, but it's so irritating to see something you want so desperately, but I know that it's also hugely possible I may never have it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't fallen so hard for him, I mean everything he does is so attractive to me, and so gorgeous, and funny. It's honestly the worst crush I've ever had.

     You guys are probably tired of me writing about this kid so much, but I don't know how to stop, how would I stop? One of the most interesting things I think, is that i honestly don't have a single picture of him, if you don't count the picture in the year book. I tried to get one once discreetly, while we were at the  beach, i snapped a photo with my cell phone, and lone and behold, that one photo of his perfect, shirtless, wet hair, and his golden skin glistening in the sun, that one very picture gets corrupted somehow. It's almost as if it were a curse, haha, a curse I'd never want to get rid of.

     They say that sailors of old would be distracted by mermaids they saw off the bows of their ships, and that these sailors would jump into the waters following the mermaids into their kingdoms, leaving their ships to doom in the storms above;

Paul is my merman,

I will follow him into the darkness of the sea, only for a glimpse into the kingdom of what could be. I hope the kingdom exists, because if it doesn't, my ship could very well be gone and left without me, or crashed on rocks. It's a risky thing falling for someone whom might be closeted, but might not be. I'm not alone though, whatever happens, he's following me into wherever I decide to go, that counts for something doesn't it? We'll see.