Am I free? "Nope, nope, your mine"

     Okay, so despite the phone calls last night, and my preparations of the social D-Day I expected to hit this morning after what seemed like emotions ready to boil over the edge; I was pleasantly surprised that emotions were more or less peaceful today, and my group didn't explode into civil war like it normally does, so that's always good.

     Anyways, I just wanna talk a bit about this Health Care bill that was just passed in the House of Representatives this weekend; I am thrilled that we are moving towards progress finally. This administrations truly has inspired me to Hope; that this nation actually can be compared to the other industrialized nations of this world. This is a good step forward for progressives to make both social and economic reforms in this country to turn away from the conservative shroud that has covered this country over the last 50 years.

     There are enough political blogs on the net these days; and I'm sure that you guys don't really care too much about American politics, especially since we're ages behind many of your whom aren't Americans. Either way, every once and a while. I may just quip here or there about what I think about something substantial. I don't know; we'll see.

     So today while driving home, I was thinking about the subject of love; more or less, and what it is, and whether or not I feel I could potentially actually love someone. On my way home, I saw this elderly couple sitting down on a bench, while I was at a stop light, but anyways, the elderly woman was fixing her husbands collar and his hair and the proceeded to hold his hand and sit back down. I was just wondering, if when I get older and am ready to hit my death bed whenever that may be; if I will have that person sitting next to me, sticking around despite my being too old to help myself at times.

     Will that person be there? will it be a woman or a man? Who? Do I know them? if not, when will I?
   

I'm filled with questions about such a thing, and I know I'm supposed to know when love hits, but really will I? Because of my crush on Paul, my mind drifted towards him, he was in the car in the passenger seat, I just took one look at him, and I wondered, is it possible? I hope so.

Bear with me, this may seem all a bit melo-dramatic, but my teenage insecurities and tendencies to worry force me into this type of behavior and thinking patterns.

I thought back to times when he would get a cut here or there, and I needed to disinfect it and clean up the blood or whatever and then put a band aid on or whatever; I usually would do this for him, because if it were up to him, he would just let it bleed and and say, "oh no it's fine, I'll clean it up later."

I don't know where I'm going with this, the idea seems ridiculous to even consider, and it's probably just my hormones going wild; but when I see Paul, I get this feeling right in my chest, and my knees get all weak, and then his smile, oh my god, it's gorgeous. I just get the biggest feeling, like I just want to hug him and hold him tight. I don't know. It's not even something sexual; it's just, I just want to hold him, and kiss him, feel his warmth.

     This kid has a firm hold on me and i can't get free.

Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it will lead to something I don't know. But in a way I'm kinda worried, i feel so attracted to him, that I'm honestly afraid that one day I'm just gonna grab him and kiss him, I've thought in my head of like doing it right there in the middle of the group, in the middle of school, or wherever, Just because it feels so right, but I know i can't. Not yet, maybe never, but i always see the scene playing over and over in my head, and it's such a beautiful scene.