Monday, May 10, 2010

So be it

     Well here it goes. Haha. I don't really know how to start, this is just gonna be a pretty big rant from this point. I don't know where to even start. It seems I never do.

     So now, I'll tell you whats happened thus far and where I stand now. I stand with 4 Friends left, and 4 Friends lost.

     Basically the group split, finally, we all saw it about to happen. Nobody said anything though. When the drama happened before, we kinda just buried it. But now, we have all kinda separated, and the bullet came yesterday. Paul called me and basically said, we had been "exiled" from the group. Which baffled me for several reasons.

1) Who decided that they are the group and we aren't?
2) Who's to say they can kick us, how about they left?
3) What group? its gone now

All pretty stupid concerns, I'll be honest. But perhaps it just my anger sinking through. Matt and his girlfriend have done the worst they could, They destroyed the group. Although, in  a way i suppose, I should thank them, those of us on this side of the issue, will become closer than before, and they will become closer with each other I'm sure. However, I know, Matt and his girlfriend will break up and when they do. It will hit them both in the face, and both of them will have nowhere to turn. They will be alone, and wanting to come back to us. Honestly, I do care about them, I'm mad at the them, but I do care about them. I want the best for them. I just want everyone to be happy, and actually, if this is how it has to happen.

So be it.

     Paul still stands with me, and we're become closer than ever, even if he is straight, which more and more, i'm looking at it, and he probably is. But one can still dream. Either way, even if he is straight, I know he'll be with me as a friend at least, forever. During our time in the military we'll bond like never before, He'll be someone i'll never be able to forget. I don't really have much else to say right now. I was thinking about coming out earlier, but these events have really made me glad I didn't because, the people i would have come out to, just turned on me. Ha, interesting how things happen. Either way; i'll keep moving forward, with my chin up, and move on. Eventually I know when the time will be right, and I think when the time is right, I won't be able to avoid coming out. Whether that be just by talking to someone, or my first kiss with Sean, haha. We'll see.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My mind is drunk with love and logic

     So, suddenly, the drama ends. Lately, things have been cool lately. No arguments lately. No conflict. It's been nice, it seems like this is what we were looking for. I can't explain why this happened. The obvious answer probably would  be that the new Girl Alexandra hasn't been seen for about a week now. No contact nothing, in all honesty though. That worries me. You know, like I said, I never had any problems with her. If I had seen her at school; or I knew she was even in existence still; I wouldn't be worried, but I still have her wallet, she left it in my car, she hasn't made any effort to contact me or anyone else this whole time. Her phones been off for a week. I don't know what's going on with her, but I'm worried. I would think that getting your wallet back would be a main priority. I hope she's okay.

     As far as things with Paul lately. Things have looked up. Paul recently opened up a Formspring account. I asked questions anonymously. Since I've been told I have a particular way of writing and explaining things, I decided to try to ask the questions in a different manner than I normally would; just so hopefully, he felt if he was honestly answering anonymously, he would answer more truthfully. He admittedly said it was so. One thing that touched me dearly, was I asked him what had the most impact on his life, and he named me. I felt all giddy and light, I don't know how to explain the feeling. I was touched. Someone else asked him who's hands he would entrust his life to. He also said me again, I got the same feeling, all excited and light, and happy. Do you guys think that's a good sign? I would think so. I don't know though.

     Lately I've been thinking though, that I may just be putting myself under my own illusion about Paul and I; what if things aren't really as I see them? But I force myself to see things the way they I want them to be. How would I know? This is the way I am I think. I convince myself Paul and I will be together for ever and everything great, he's bi or gay, and so am I; and then I move on and think, no there's no way, that's too perfect to actually happen. When I look at it logically, it's probably more logical to think that he's straight and I'm just his best friend, but I shouldn't give up hope should I? that would be a shame if I was wrong and things would've worked out and I did nothing.

My mind is drunk with love and logic

Oh, just a side note, There's this one video I found, and to me, it looks a lot like Paul, but I can't tell because there's no face shot, but I started wondering, what if he's made videos? how hott would that be? and I've seen them? there's no way I would know unless I saw him naked; which again, for some reason didn't happen. 

     What are you opinions on what I should do? I realize that I have this miraculous tool here to actually listen to advice that I wouldn't be able to normally ask a friend in real life. And how knows? Paul may answer one day, and I would never know. ha.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Looks like War is Coming

     Okay, so I've been away for such a long time. I have a lot to write about. So much I don't know where to start. I have Paul to talk about, and major drama. Things have gone so wildly this past weekend that I honestly feel like I'm coming down with something from all the stress. So I just want to vent a little bit. Basically; this is what's going on.

     Our group has always been riddled with drama; if you've read my previous posts, I mentioned a group leader named Andrew, and his secret dating of Alexandra. Well this is what's happened up to now. Andrew did date her, and he started dating her openly. Until she finally saw a part of him she didn't like. He mistreated her and everyone agrees with that. She broke it up with him. Andrew in return said some nasty things to her; and that was all the ammunition the group needed to finally decide to eradicate him from the group. We all for a few days honestly had no drama whatsoever and things were going great. Alexandra joined the group as a seemingly permanent member. Thing were finally looking up.

     Now it's come to this, Alexandra got kicked from her house for one reason or another. And all of us being good friends decided to take her in, each person having there day to take her in at their house. Things were okay for a while again. she had a place to stay and that was great. For some reason, and I don't know why I did this.

     I decided I wanted to see if I could set up Alexandra and Paul together. I have no idea why I did this. At first when I mentioned the idea to Paul; he was hesitant, and I know I should have dropped it. But I couldn't help myself. I don't know what I was thinking. But I pushed the subject until he finally agreed to pursue her. This is where things started to get messy and complicated.

     I think I wanted to see how far I'd have to push things. Or I don't know. I don't know why I did that. I had a constant conflict in my head about what I was doing. I wanted him to be happy. I don't know if he's straight, or bi, or gay. I just want him to be happy. Regardless if he ends up with me or not. But for some reason I pushed him away. I wanted him to go after this girl; even though I know that I want him to be with me.

     I think I wanted him to go for it only so I would know that it wouldn't work out. I don't know. I honestly don't know why I did it. Either way. Paul and her never got together. Paul did invest a lot of time and effort trying to get with her though. Alexandra told me that she wanted to get with Paul; but that time wasn't ripe. Especially after a break up that just shook up the group enough to actually ostracize someone. Which was understandable.

     Anyways. basically what ended up happening is we already had one girl in our group, Matt's girlfriend. She saw herself as the main girl of the group and didn't want to get screwed with. She stood up and defended her position of the Alpha Female. This caused some bad air between the two girls and basically, everyone knowing matt's girlfriend better sided with her, while Paul and I, having spent quite a bit of time with Alexandra, sided with her.

     In my group of friends, it seems we can't really tolerate more than one person in a relationship at a time or something. I don't know why. It always seems like at least one person doesn't like the idea of some sort of relationship between people. Somehow people caught wind of my trying to fix up Paul and Alexandra. By this time I had figured it was done and nothing was going to happen. But when people caught wind, he seemed to suddenly try harder.  But then he stopped and nothing happened. But then little by little, it started becoming loud knowledge who was sided with who and who didn't want Paul dating her and who did etc. It was getting messy. If my group of friends was a prescription bottle, It would say on the side:

or something ridiculous like that.

     The group decided this drama was unacceptable so we all decided to just meet up at our usual park place, and talk it out and settle all the bad air and just move on. So we all met up; and after an exchange of words, things worked our. Everyone seemed at peace and tensions we're cooling although not eradicated. Well here's where things get weird. Alexandra had been living with friends and apperently on the street for a few days now. We all knew she was out her own house etc.

     So as we were preparing to leave our park; Some cops show up, asking for Alexandra, it turns out, she was a runaway. The cops took her away and left those of us who were left with her, Matt, another friend, and myself, shocked. We had no idea what had just happened. We called everyone up, and told them what happened. Almost immediately, Matt's girlfriend took the opportunity to accuse Alexandra of being a liar and using everyone.

     Still I'm not sure what happened and I'm not sure what I believe. But Paul still wants to at least talk with her, and so do I. Things in the group are going crazy, I don't know what's going on. Paul and I have become close though. But i'm also afraid I pushed him away. I don't know what I've done. If there was any chance of him coming out to me, after I pulled the crap I did, I feel like there's no hope. I don't know. He didn't really go for her. He may have just been going through the motions. Or maybe he really was going for her, and I'm just trying to convince myself that something between him and I may actually be possible. I don't know.

      I think at this point, even if he did come out to me; I'm not sure how our group of friends would react. We have become a monster. I can already see this getting ugly. The group is starting to become like an exclusive club that you can be kicked from for a minor infraction.

Looks like War is Coming. 

      The core of the Group, currently, resides in Matt, his girlfriend, and myself. From talking to everyone, with Andrew gone, somehow I got assigned the opposition to Matt and his girlfriend. I don't know if I want this position, But I won't stand down if they put Paul in the crosshairs. I don't want war, or to divide the group this way, but I will do anything to keep Paul up and going. I'm convinced that I can take anything that gets thrown at me. This can get messy fast if something isn't done. The group isn't visibly divided yet. But I can see it coming. I don't know how this will work out. But i'll have to see.

Oh and some side notes. I might have gotten a shot of Pauls privates this weekend at the pool; i'm not sure if I did, but either way I saw wayyyy up his leg, and I got a hard on. So I stayed in the pool for quite a while till that went away. Oh and also; we played a stripping game, and of course, I had to get naked, while all Paul lost was his shirt; Everyone got completely naked because we all lost, but Paul was the only one. who didn't. Why on earth did that happen? Of all People? Paul is the one who keeps his clothes?

He's seen me naked and I haven't seen him naked. This is definitely not fair :/

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Hell of a time

       Okay, so the point of this post is to post about my first gay experience, and one of my only experiences more or less. I have had 2 experiences. This one was my favorite, it being the first one. I copied this straight from an e-mail I sent to someone; so forgive me if some things don't make too much sense. I didn't see it proper to re-write something I had already written.

     I can't stress enough how lucky I am that this happened. I wish it still happened, but unfortunately it doesn't one day I'll have better experiences to tell though.

    It was a hell of a time.

Okay, so my first experience was when I was about 14, so about two years ago.

 I had a friend come over to my house, we'll call him Kyle. So kyle came over to my house, and somehow we got into the discussion about how good it felt to jerk off (he must have started the conversation cause I'm pretty shy and talking about that is unusual for me), i noticed he had a slight hard on under his jeans; so I "accidentally" spilled some paint on his jeans (I paint occasionally, I'm not good at it though). He didn't seem to mind it much, but i told him to take his pants off so i could throw it in the wash.

I took his pants and threw them into the wash, and when i came back, i noticed that bulge in his boxers had grown substantially; he really wasn't hiding it. I looked at him and told him kinda shyly,

 "Geez, you can go ahead and give yourself some relief if you need to."

 He was like

 "oh well i don't want to do it if your not comfortable with it, and it will be awkward if i do it alone."

 I told him it didn't bug me, so he went ahead and undressed himself, and he must have noticed i was staring, cause he motioned for me to go over to him. I did. He started jerking off and stopped, and looked at me agian, and said

"What? am i gonna do this alone with you staring at me? that would be weird, why don't you just jerk off too so i dont feel so awkward?"

So i kinda nervously started taking off my clothes, cause this was my first experience, and i really was turned on, and he didn't know that i was him that turned me on. when i sat down and started jerking off, it felt really really awkward, but i did it anyways. so we just did that for a few minutes, then he stopped again, and looked at me and said

"Hey, i wanna try something, you up for something different?"

at this point i was more comfortable so agreed. He told me to jerk him off, and he'd jerk me off. We did that until we both came.
Later that night, when we decided to go to sleep; he told me he got boners at night, and asked me to do him a favor. He told me if I woke up, to check if he had a boner. If he did have a boner, to jerk him off while he slept, to take off his boxers, (cause that's all he slept it) and jerk him off.

I was really looking forward to this, but i tried not to see excited, and i nervously accepted. So i kinda waited till he was asleep, and i went down to where he was sleeping, and i guess kinda messed with him till he got a boner, then i sucked him for like a minute, but stopped cause i didn't want him to wake up with me sucking him off; I jerked him and me off at the same time, and i was SOOOO turned on, cause as i jerked him off, he like squirmed and moaned while he was sleeping. He came all over my hand, and woke up. He smiled and thanked me, saying he dream t about it and it felt great. then we went to bed.

So that was my first experience, we did that for few time whenever he would come over. But then he didn't come over as often, and now we barely see each other, and when we do, we don't do it anymore, and im too shy to ask him to do it.

  The other experience I will have to write about, just not now, not yet,but I will. 

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Slowing down

     I'm kinda slowing down with the posts it seems. It's getting more difficult to keep writing. I want to keep going; the only problem is that there's becoming less and less to write about. There seems to be little I've already said, I will keep on blogging, this isn't a goodbye note, not in the least. But I'm just kinda I'm saying, I"ll be slowing down a bit, unless any significant change occurs or unless I just feel like writing.

     I do enjoy it; a lot. However to me, it feels like I've been overly redundant in the last few posts and that it will continue if I try and force myself to write; and I don't like redundancy and it bothers me, the idea of having to force myself to write is irritating. I'd rather not; so I won't.

     However, the point of this post is about my future, which I've mulling over recently. The idea of my future career, after the military; I was really looking into Medical school or law school. But lately, I've been getting more and more interested in politics. My thoughts are, if I can do good in public office, I'd love to try. I have progressive views; leaning left. Now for now, it's just a thought. Politics is a tough field of work, but perhaps after being a doctor or a lawyer for a few years, who knows, Bi congressman? sounds alright.

     Anyways that's all for now.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Subconscious Fool

     Last night was fun. Went to a small gathering with a group of friends, nothing big, just some drinking and stuff. It was fun; I was with Paul but nothing too significant happened still. We hugged lots of times, but he always hugs people when he's drunk. What I liked most was when everyone decided to go to bed. Because we weren't like completely smashed, we were drunk, but i still remember most of the night, and nobody threw up; so it wasn't too bad.

     Anyways, when we decided to go to bed. I was already laying down, cause I was really tired. When Paul decided to go to bed; there wasn't much room anywhere, but he decided to lay down next to me on the couch, he said he was cold, which is very possible, because it really was cold out. But either way; he lay down, we went to bed. When I woke up, we we're like huddled up together and stuff, it was so awesome; it made me imagine possibly one day waking up next to him like all the time.

     It could be just me, and my own desire for him to be gay; but it seems like signs are pointing that way. Although I'm really very biased in this situation. I know I'm biased too, there's no way I would be able to look at this thing without putting my own spin on it. Which could explain why he's starting to seem gayer and gayer. It concerns me though.

     Where do I know where my own subconscious desires and fact ends?

Regardless for now, I enjoyed huddling with him, I lay down like that for a while next to him, until other people started getting up. It was fun; I'm glad it happened. Still this keeps bugging me, there is the possibility that he's gay, and then there's the possibility that he's not. I want him to be gay, as selfish as that sounds. But how would I know? There are so many different factors that would need to be taken into account, and I don't wanna just like ask you know? I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait?

What do you guys think I should do?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Future is Untold

     So today was pretty fun. I got to kiss Paul, of course it wasn't as simple as that. And it's not really a kiss. It was a dare, to kiss him through glass. Which was still enormously fun, and I am glad that my friend dared us; It made me wish I could kiss him even more. I had never been so turned on, haha. It was amazing, even though it was cold and kinda odd; but still.

     I wonder if my current lust for him will ever die. It would only make sense if it did, but I don't want it to. But that would be kinda sad too if it didn't and nothing ever happened between us.

Just a side note, I'm talking to TylerTGBH over twitter, and the thought of a threesome between him, Paul and I would be marvelously wonderful.

     I was just thinking, I really wanna go paint balling and stuff; maybe airsofting; I think i'm gonna go this week. I also wanna box again soon. It hurts and I ache afterwards, but i love it, I love how your muscles ache after you work out and stuff. Not the actual working out, but the sore limbs. That was completely off topic. I don't really have any topics.

     I was just thinking about stuff, and I wonder how things will be when I'm older, like when I'm like 30 or 40, if I'll have kids or if I'll be married, or have a partner or if I'll just be a single entrepreneur. Dunno.

The Future is untold

     The future holds so many secrets, I wonder if I'd like what I'd see if I could look ahead. There are so many things that would happen. I wonder how long I'll live. I don't really want to be old. Like where I depend on people and stuff. If I have kids, will they be mine? or will I adopt because I choose to live with a guy. Will I have kids at all? What would they be like? Will I marry a Man or a Woman? So many questions, only time will tell I guess. I wonder I wonder.