So, suddenly, the drama ends. Lately, things have been cool lately. No arguments lately. No conflict. It's been nice, it seems like this is what we were looking for. I can't explain why this happened. The obvious answer probably would be that the new Girl Alexandra hasn't been seen for about a week now. No contact nothing, in all honesty though. That worries me. You know, like I said, I never had any problems with her. If I had seen her at school; or I knew she was even in existence still; I wouldn't be worried, but I still have her wallet, she left it in my car, she hasn't made any effort to contact me or anyone else this whole time. Her phones been off for a week. I don't know what's going on with her, but I'm worried. I would think that getting your wallet back would be a main priority. I hope she's okay.
As far as things with Paul lately. Things have looked up. Paul recently opened up a Formspring account. I asked questions anonymously. Since I've been told I have a particular way of writing and explaining things, I decided to try to ask the questions in a different manner than I normally would; just so hopefully, he felt if he was honestly answering anonymously, he would answer more truthfully. He admittedly said it was so. One thing that touched me dearly, was I asked him what had the most impact on his life, and he named me. I felt all giddy and light, I don't know how to explain the feeling. I was touched. Someone else asked him who's hands he would entrust his life to. He also said me again, I got the same feeling, all excited and light, and happy. Do you guys think that's a good sign? I would think so. I don't know though.
Lately I've been thinking though, that I may just be putting myself under my own illusion about Paul and I; what if things aren't really as I see them? But I force myself to see things the way they I want them to be. How would I know? This is the way I am I think. I convince myself Paul and I will be together for ever and everything great, he's bi or gay, and so am I; and then I move on and think, no there's no way, that's too perfect to actually happen. When I look at it logically, it's probably more logical to think that he's straight and I'm just his best friend, but I shouldn't give up hope should I? that would be a shame if I was wrong and things would've worked out and I did nothing.
My mind is drunk with love and logic
Oh, just a side note, There's this one video I found, and to me, it looks a lot like Paul, but I can't tell because there's no face shot, but I started wondering, what if he's made videos? how hott would that be? and I've seen them? there's no way I would know unless I saw him naked; which again, for some reason didn't happen.
What are you opinions on what I should do? I realize that I have this miraculous tool here to actually listen to advice that I wouldn't be able to normally ask a friend in real life. And how knows? Paul may answer one day, and I would never know. ha.
Tush Tuesday *46
2 hours ago
go with the flow :) im 80% sure paul is attracted to u romantically anyway :P so best of luck to ya mate!
ReplyDeleteI love you. Show some cojones and ask me out already.
ReplyDeleteThose answers show how much is at stake. You two mean a huge amount to each other, and no matter what happens things will change when you come out.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to come out some time, be it today or five years time. You'll need to keep quiet about the "I love you" thing until after he has had a chance to come to terms with the "I am gay" bit. Give him the space he might need.
Logically, he is probably straight. If he cant handle you being gay, then you'll lose him eventually anyway. More likely he'll wonder why you didn't trust him enough to tell him earlier. But it's not all about logic. There is a chance something beautiful might happen.
My gut feeling is that you should take that chance and come out to him, sooner rather than later, well before the military changes everything. But you know the risks better than anyone. It's up to you.
As a pessimist I tend to lean towards the idea that I'm wrong and that things wont work out as they do in the "fairy tale version of steves life"...
ReplyDeleteI started to type out my first coming out experience but figured it would make a good blogpost for me. So Im going to do that and if you are incredibly bored, check it out.
I already told you my opinion-- I think you should come out but dont mention your feelings for him. If he turns out to be gay/bi then tell him how you feel. But if you come out first and dont tell him about your feelings for him-- then you don't have any chance of freaking him out or anything. And like I said in the worst case it will just make you have a stronger friendship that will last a long time. In the best case, who knows... there really is no down side -- unless you think there is a chance he might react negatively, which seems unlikely given how close you guys are.
Much Love,
Steve
Sean
ReplyDeletePaul sounds like a wonder guy and all but tread carefully for you only get to come out once
take care and be safe
bob