We Are Human

Okay, so today, I was getting that strong feeling for Paul again; where I just wanted him so badly. My feelings for him definitely seem to be getting stronger. Today, I had it set, I was gonna take a gamble, I thought I was gonna kiss him. Normally what happens is when we hang out we have a great time, etc. Which was the case tonight, we we're having loads of fun and stuff, and we had those little moments where we'd kinda glance at each other and then I'd get that feeling, but I was planning on kissing him when I dropped him off. So it got to that point we were all headed home and I was in front of his house. We looked at each other and we gazed into each others eyes. I wanted to do it so bad. But I couldn't i was too nervous; we said our good bye's and he started getting out. He was almost out, when I called his name, he turned and looked at me, and I wanted to say something so bad, or do something, but I just said never mind and said bye.

     I don't know why I didn't do anything. I wanted to so bad. Ahh, i wish I could just know if anything would have happened. It's killing me that something could have happened. I don't know; I hate "what if?" situations. What if we would kissed? things would be so awesome; who knows what could have happened. I shouldn't stress over it. I don't know. I probably will though, haha.

     Anyways, that conflict in my group is escalating, quietly though; which is unusual. Normally people are yelling and arguing and it's apparent to everyone. But right now; people are quietly arguing and the group is starting to slowly break apart. This time though, things are happening differently. Like i said earlier, there are two leaders, we'll call one Andrew and the other one Matt. Andrew and Matt right now are actually on okay terms, more or less, at least they are loudly vocalizing their anger with each other, but they murmur it here and there. Andrew is starting to loose respect with a lot of people in the group. The cause of this problem, is a new girl, who everyone loves. So the story is, this girl; whom we'll call Alexa, recently moved into town and got into our group of friends, Now the thing is that a friend of Andrew's wanted to date her; but she said no.
Andrew and her started getting friendly and are now "secretly" dating, but everyone knows.

So this other friend is angry with Andrew for getting with her; and he's causing a bit of turmoil there, and then now, Matt is dating Andrew's ex girl friend and then everything starts getting messy from there on. It's a really complicated situation, it's like multiple love triangles that overlap and intersect and just isn't doing any good for the group. I don't know whats' gonna happen here, but we'll see. I don't know why i'm explaining this; it makes no sense. haha

    Anyways, I was just thinking about my future in the military. How risky it's gonna be. I'm nervous. boot camp is gonna be the worst. And now I'm thinking about how my youth is coming to an end. I mean; I have one more year left of school; and then I'm gonna be headed towards a career. and I'll have to be on my own without parents and stuff. I mean, i really should make the most of my youth while I can. My life could end at any moment, I know i really should live life to the fullest.

Sometimes I get all those odd thoughts about reality and fiction, and the very fact of our existence. Living breathing creatures.

We Are Human

.How odd is that? what are the chances? I could have been born in some random nation in the middle of South America, or Eastern Europe, or Africa. Things could be so much different. It's all chance. How random. We're so insignificant but so important. a sneeze could change the course of history. We are infinitely smaller than the universe, and then there are the little germs and bacteria which are living cities within themselves.

Clearly I'm going off the deep end. So I'll end it here. Hope to blog again tomorrow.