I feel like I talk about Paul to much. It's amazing to think that I've known this kid for years now, and I still don't have the courage to tell him how I really feel. But then again, it makes sense, doesn't it? Like aren't people supposed to be nervous around their crush?
But then again, when it's something like a bi boy, who has a crush on another boy, and you don't know what his orientation is, what do you do?
By the way, off topic completely. I've been looking for a good book to read lately, anyone have any ideas?
Now back to a different topic. Yesterday I posted a song, it's a remix of the song Secret Smile by Semisonic, the song reminds me of my situation with Paul, I feel like him and I have a special connection that he doesn't show anyone else. The same with me to him. But when do I decide it's time to tell him about my situation and my feelings. and what if he doesn't feel the same way, will it ruin our friendship? I know if I just were to say I'm bi, he probably wouldn't mind, but the part about me liking him; I can understand if someone might react a bit less that pleased if they were straight and had their best friend suddenly admit to have a crush on them.
Just because I feel like I could have this story book relationship with him, where we're all happy and everything's great, with happy days and sex several times a day; things don't always work out the way they should.
Life isn't a story book
Sacrificing myself, and a relationship, is a risky maneuver, I keep on seeing myself with him; but I'm waiting. What if things don't work out? what if they do? Will it be love forever? would it be love at all? Or just a fling, until we separate and go find someone else? What if he's the one? Is there a one? So many thoughts, agh. I definitely love him as a friend. But what if I realize I were to love him more than that? What if he ends up loving me?
I should take a chance, at some point, because if I don't, I'll always be wondering, what if? I'll never know. I'm gonna have to tell him and risk it eventually, When do I do it though?
Wet Wednesday *81
15 hours ago
That closet is a horrible place to be bud.I know I was there a long time. I have just began my blog telling the story. I was outed recently by a friend that I had a serious crush on not sure if it will help but if you have time take a look it might help you
ReplyDeleteEddie
Well if you start by coming out to him and he likes you in the same way then Im sure he will at least reciprocate and tell you that he is gay/bi...then you can just start making out, the camera will fade away, and a line "5 months later..." will show up followed by a scene of tender embraces, over-emotional music, walking on the beach....ah :-) bliss.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read any fiction books since...high school probably. But if you like non-fiction then Outliers is good and interesting.
Steve
Do you engineer a drunken encounter? Put that big sleeping bag to good use. If it doesn't work out you can claim memory loss.
ReplyDeleteI guess the best way is to come out to him. I think Jason Carwin's timing was good, halfway through his senior year. Long enough if something special happens, not too long if it gets ugly. But hopefully something will happen before then.
But "i'm coming out" as a favourite song has gotta be a good sign!
I actually like the idea of coming out mid senior year, but it seems like it's so far away. Thanks anyways for the advice guys :)
ReplyDeleteyou, sir, have touched upon the real conundrum that young gay kids face in most of their relationships... The statistic probability that Paul is gay, or bi is probably, say, 1 in 5... that he's 100% gay, maybe 1 in 20... Of course, nobody really knows!! Your hesitancy is natural and the worry about losing him as a friend if you put a move on him, is a valid concern... Just the fact that you want him in your life long term, should tell you that the possibility of this happening if you guys hook up as more than just friends diminishes as you throw all the variables of sex into the mix...
ReplyDeleteIt's not practical to expect your friendship not to be impacted, if you take it to this different level... It doesn't make your decision less agonizing, I know; I've been in this boat before, and have made the wrong decision and lost some close friends this way... I think that your thoughtful approach is commendable! If it was me, I would consider telling your friend that you're gay, but, not in the context of trying to pressure him into a different relationship than what you 2 share now... I wouldn't lie about being bi; that just increases the potential for distrust later... Trust is a very important element of a good friendship...
I have heard a lot of guys out here in the ether, kind of sluff off these problems as just part of the game, but I have to tell you, that, as I said before, treating life as a game can come back, big time, and bite you in the ass!!
Finding quality friends that you can share anything with, is like finding a vein of gold... It doesn't happen often that you really click with someone and they feel the same about you! You have to decide how important Paul is as a friend- if he really respects your friendship, sharing this intimate detail, the right way (no strings attached), will strengthen your friendship.
It doesn't sound like you can stand to wait, so I wish you good luck and hope that everything works to your benefit!! luv, tman<3
I think the best thing to do is to trust your instincts.
ReplyDeleteEssentially there are two questions:
A) Whether or not he's gay.
If he is gay, then the questions is
B) Whether or not he has feelings for you.
In my experience, they're usually not gay. In one case, I was in love with a friend that I was soooo certain was gay and sooooo certain that he felt the same way for me. Well, it turned out he was gay (but he hated himself because of it) and he didn't have any feelings for me. The story gets a lot more fucked up than that, but this is your blog, not mine. :P
Now if you're going to come out to him, make sure you have the proper expectations.
Falling for your friends is tricky. Sometimes you realize the whole reason you're friends is because you have feelings for them.
Anywho, I really enjoy reading your blog. And I don't think you talk about Paul too much. This is your only place to talk about him!
-g.